Being a Married Man in the Gay Community

Instead, it’s the Married Men’s Program of the Health Interventions for Men (HIM) Program of the Red Door Clinic, a meeting for men who are married to women and attracted to men. Since 1991, the HIM Program has hosted this monthly gathering of men who, like Sam, must deal with isolation and limited options for support. "The program began because of the large number of men with this issue coming into the clinic feeling alone and unable to find anyone to talk too about it," says Charlie Tamble, coordinator of the HIM Program. "For these men, the isolation and lack of information can result a greater risk for HIV, and often times anxiety and stress. Our goals are to try and address some of those issues and reduce their risk." He adds, "There is a great deal of misunderstanding about the struggles these men face."

Faced with this misunderstanding, when asked to discuss their lives publicly (albeit anonymously with names and details changed) they jumped at the chance.

Todd, married for 25 years, wants to talk about his family. "I love my wife." He stays with his family out of a strong sense of "loyalty and commitment." Indeed, several men made it clear they didn’t want to disrupt or hurt their families at any costs. "People have a difficult time understanding the position I’m in," according to Sam. "Family roots are very important to me, and I don’t want to give that up."

"Many of us grew up in an era when it wasn’t so easy," explains John, a heavy-set, well-dressed, 70 year-old man. "I grew up in a time when this was the right thing to do and most of us did what we thought was right. If we had the opportunity to rerun our lives, we might do something different."

While some of the men are closeted, about a third are out to their wives and have reached some understanding. Ben, the youngest man in the group, says that when getting ready for the meeting today his wife asked, "Where are you going?" and when he said he was going to the meeting she replied, "Oh. OK." According to Ben, "She’s cool with it."

Beyond family issues, the men struggle with society’s lack of understanding, not only about being married but also being bisexual. According to John, "Some people don’t believe there is such a thing as bisexuals." He suggests most people "want the world to be black and white. But in fact it’s gray." Larry, a bisexual in his late 60’s, agrees, "Perhaps it’s becoming more comfortable to be gay, but you still have to be in one camp."

All of which complicates their perceived role in the GLBT community. According to Ronald, "A lot of gay people are judgmental about married men." Terry agrees. "A lot of gay men think we shouldn’t be married." And that "this is an issue that separates us from the rest of the [GLBT] community."

So these twelve men come to the meeting seeking support, community, and clarity. "It’s an opportunity to release the conflict that arises, to sort out who I am," Terry says to nods of agreement. He adds that the group "is an opportunity to balance the conflict of being attracted to both sexes." For John, the group’s a "great release! I walk out of here with a whole lot less stress."

What does this mean from the standpoint of HIV and STD prevention? According to Tamble, most of these men are sexually active with men and here is a safe place to get the information, supplies, resources, and support they need to stay safe. But perhaps even more important is that "the more a person feels connected to a community, the better a person feels about himself, the more that person is motivated to take care of himself and others."

Here these twelve men have done just that: they have built themselves a community. At least for these few hours a month, they feel not quite so isolated.

As Ronald says, "For me it’s that I’m not alone."

For more information about the Married Men’s Program, contact the HIM Program at 612.348.6641